my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
