I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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