just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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