I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
