My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
