you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
