matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
