saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
