Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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