Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
