I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
