Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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