My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
