...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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