dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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