Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Boobs are out for the taking
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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