I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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