Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
