I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
