I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
