my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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