we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
