Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
