Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
