I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
