i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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