I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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