New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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