the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
