wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
