When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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