who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
