I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
