just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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