mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
