then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
