I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
