Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
