There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
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Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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