Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
