I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
