drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
