I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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