i'm signing you up for texting rehab
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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