I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
