Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
