where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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