Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
