I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
