I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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