If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
