I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
