I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
