***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
