i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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