i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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