Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
