i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
