Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
