Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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