so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
