dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
