i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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