he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
