You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
